Something has happened to the way I view my world since I found out I have cancer. After vacillating wildly from anger to denial to self pity, and back again, I settled into an uncertain acceptance. I began to share my feelings and thoughts with friends and family, and at meetings. I also became more aware of the world around me. I started seeing the wonders in my corner of the world. Shortly after I was diagnosed, I was driving home from work. The sun was setting behind me and a full moon was rising in front of me. As I rounded a curve in the road, there was the moon, huge, silver, and so close I could have touched it. As I looked at it, a flock of geese flew across the moon in a perfect V formation. Their black shadows a dark contrast to the white-silver glow of the moon. They never wavered, they flew straight on to a destination known only to them, imprinted down through generations of migration. It was so beautiful, I cried in gratitude rather than self pity or fear. That was the beginning. When I was waiting to see the surgeon and schedule the surgery to remove two large lymph nodes from under my right arm, my head was going crazy with the "what if" game. There was a possibility that I also had either breast cancer of lymphoma. I was scared, confused, and really struggling to be patient. During my worst week, a song came on the radio called "I am Strong". It played every evening on my drive home for a week. It has become my anthem. My God sings to me, and he was telling me to be strong, put my hand in his, and it will all be OK.
Today, I find myself sitting more often in serenity than confusion. I have accepted that I have cancer, and that I don't know how this journey is going to turn out. It isn't my job to know. It is my job to stay tuned to God, trust him with the outcome, and keep my hand in his. My thoughts now turn more often to what I can do for others, than my own self centered anger and fear.
I struggle sometimes with feelings of unworthiness. I haven't begun treatment yet, and even though I don't feel well most days, I could probably be allot sicker than I am. So, who am I to talk about living with cancer when there are so many people sicker than I am. Then I remember that God has a plan for me, and that plan doesn't only involve me. So I will follow where he leads, continue to work with other alcoholics, and try to remember every day that it is God who makes me strong. For that gift, I get to see the beauty in my world, and I get to know that nothing is really hopeless, you just have to know what you are hoping for.
Nicely said...
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