Alone in the dark

I lost a friend this week.  She took her own life.  I think she made that choice because the struggle to stay sober was so difficult, she couldn't see a way out, she lost hope.  I saw her on Friday, she came and walked with us.  She had 8 days sober.  On Sunday she drank, and on Monday she died.  I understand that kind of hopelessness, I've been there.

I was not a daily drinker, although I was headed that way.  But, I was a daily planner.  I planed obsessively. I planned every thing, my route to work, conversations, what I would wear for the whole week, where I would drink, what I would drink, how much I would drink (that part never quite worked out).  I planned meals, I tried to plan how my children would behave.  It really was kind of crazy making. When I planed, there was always a plan B.  I always had an escape route.  In those days, suicide was always an option, it was always the finale plan, my last way out. I tried to use that finale plan more than once. 

On May 10th 1998, I was alone in a hotel room in Portland, OR.  I had been married to husband number 4 for 8 months, and he had just walked out on me for another woman.  He had gone to Portland for a job, and I had sold almost everything I owned, packed up my Son,and joined him. 

There I was, trapped in a hotel I had no way to pay for, no way to get us home, and no hope.  I couldn't contact my family or any friends, because I was to ashamed that I had failed one more time.  I had a full bottle of antidepressants, some scotch, and no hope.  I had run out of plans.  As I was sitting there looking at those pills, a thought came into my head telling me I couldn't let my son find me dead.  The next thing I knew I was reaching for the phone, and called my life long friend in Klamath Falls.  What she said was very simple, "Come home, we can work it out, and we love you"  Well, through a series of happenings I still don't quite understand, we were able to buy bus tickets and get home. At that point, I was homeless, unemployed and unemployed.  That's when I started going to AlAnon.  I thought they could teach me how to find a man that wasn't a violent addict.Kinda funny when I look back on it. Well, alanon brought me enough piece to finnaly see that the problem drinker in my life was me, and I had better do something about it.  The rest is a story for another time.

The point I am trying to make is this, somewhere in this process, suicide stopped being an option.  My commitment to do what ever it took to get and stay sober, led me to 12 steps that taught me to look at myself with an open mind, how to let go of the feelings of shame of the past. I found 12 steps that led me to find a God of my own understanding , and to have faith that this new God was in charge and I didn't have to plan anymore. In these years of sobriety, I have flirted around the edges of that dark place of hopelessness, but I have never let it swallow me.  I have choices, and I know that the right choice is to trust my God, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.I am never alone in the dark.

I don't know why my friend couldn't "get it". I don't know why she let hopelessness take over, but I do understand how she got there.

The number one priority in my life is still staying sober.  Some people may be surprised by that and think it should be fighting cancer.  The truth is, if I don't stay sober, I can't fight cancer.  It says in the big book, in one of the stories in the back, that as long as I put sobriety first in my life, everything that comes second will be first class. I believe that today. I hang onto that because if I start drinking, suicide, once more, becomes an option.