I lost a friend this week. She took her own life. I think she made that choice because the struggle to stay sober was so difficult, she couldn't see a way out, she lost hope. I saw her on Friday, she came and walked with us. She had 8 days sober. On Sunday she drank, and on Monday she died. I understand that kind of hopelessness, I've been there.
I was not a daily drinker, although I was headed that way. But, I was a daily planner. I planed obsessively. I planned every thing, my route to work, conversations, what I would wear for the whole week, where I would drink, what I would drink, how much I would drink (that part never quite worked out). I planned meals, I tried to plan how my children would behave. It really was kind of crazy making. When I planed, there was always a plan B. I always had an escape route. In those days, suicide was always an option, it was always the finale plan, my last way out. I tried to use that finale plan more than once.
On May 10th 1998, I was alone in a hotel room in Portland, OR. I had been married to husband number 4 for 8 months, and he had just walked out on me for another woman. He had gone to Portland for a job, and I had sold almost everything I owned, packed up my Son,and joined him.
There I was, trapped in a hotel I had no way to pay for, no way to get us home, and no hope. I couldn't contact my family or any friends, because I was to ashamed that I had failed one more time. I had a full bottle of antidepressants, some scotch, and no hope. I had run out of plans. As I was sitting there looking at those pills, a thought came into my head telling me I couldn't let my son find me dead. The next thing I knew I was reaching for the phone, and called my life long friend in Klamath Falls. What she said was very simple, "Come home, we can work it out, and we love you" Well, through a series of happenings I still don't quite understand, we were able to buy bus tickets and get home. At that point, I was homeless, unemployed and unemployed. That's when I started going to AlAnon. I thought they could teach me how to find a man that wasn't a violent addict.Kinda funny when I look back on it. Well, alanon brought me enough piece to finnaly see that the problem drinker in my life was me, and I had better do something about it. The rest is a story for another time.
The point I am trying to make is this, somewhere in this process, suicide stopped being an option. My commitment to do what ever it took to get and stay sober, led me to 12 steps that taught me to look at myself with an open mind, how to let go of the feelings of shame of the past. I found 12 steps that led me to find a God of my own understanding , and to have faith that this new God was in charge and I didn't have to plan anymore. In these years of sobriety, I have flirted around the edges of that dark place of hopelessness, but I have never let it swallow me. I have choices, and I know that the right choice is to trust my God, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.I am never alone in the dark.
I don't know why my friend couldn't "get it". I don't know why she let hopelessness take over, but I do understand how she got there.
The number one priority in my life is still staying sober. Some people may be surprised by that and think it should be fighting cancer. The truth is, if I don't stay sober, I can't fight cancer. It says in the big book, in one of the stories in the back, that as long as I put sobriety first in my life, everything that comes second will be first class. I believe that today. I hang onto that because if I start drinking, suicide, once more, becomes an option.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
And now it begins
I was told a few days ago that I would have to start receiving Chemotherapy. I had planed to tell you all sooner, but it took me a few days to put together some coherent thoughts about how I feel about this next step in my journey. First, some information.....
I will be receiving 2 types of drugs, Rituxin, a Monoclonal antibody, and Bendamustine, a chemotherapy drug.
Rituxin is infused as an IV solution over several hours. It has several side effects, but I think I prefer to discuss them if and when they occur.
Bendamustine is also infused as an IV solution over 2 - 3 hours, and, as with Rituxin, I will share the side effects when and if they occur.
I will receive these drugs over 2 days, once a month. I be treated for 4 months, and if I am in remission, we will stop there. If I am not in remission, we will do 2 more treatments.
If you would like more information, I have added some new links to the Helpful Links page
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
When I was first getting sober, I leaned heavily on the Serenity Prayer to keep me sane, and get me through the next minuet, hour or day. Especially the first line "Accept the things I cannot change"
I wanted to change everything, and I really didn't trust anyone but me to do it. I was willing to try, however, so I repeated that line over and over in my head. From that simple exercise came acceptance. At least acceptance that I am an alcoholic, and acceptance that things can changeeven if it isn't me doing the changing. The courage and wisdom parts took longer to find, but I kept trying.
When I saw my oncologist last week, I was confident that we would continue on with the "Watchful Waiting" protocol. Because of my labs and symptoms, my Dr has decided that chemo is the next best step. I don't want to have chemo therapy, and the thought of it scares me. So, it's back to the first line of the Serenity Prayer. Accept the things I cannot change......
I have cancer, I can't change that. I have to fight that cancer with high powered drugs that can, and probably will, cause side effects much worse than the symptoms I have now. But, I can't change that. I have no control over how often I will have treatments, what kind of drugs are used, and whether or not they will put the cancer into remission. I can't even control how long that remission will last. If I choose to dwell on all of this, I will spend my time in anger and fear. I was reading the information the chemo nurse gave me, and was reduced to tears. Being sick scares me, what the drugs can do scares me, and I don't want to be sick and in pain. What I want or don't want is out of my control. God has the answers, and he isn't sharing right now. Until he does, acceptance and faith are all I have.
Courage to change the things I can.
When I gain the acceptance of my present circumstance, I will be able to look at things with a more open mind. When I put my faith in God to guide me, then I can find the courage to change the things I can. The Cancer Treatment Center has given me lots of information to learn all I can about the course of treatment I will have. They are there to answer my questions, and have given me options that will help manage what side effects I may have.
Wisdom to know the difference.
Wisdom is, as usual, harder to come by. Every thing in me is screaming NOOOOOOOOO....I don't want to be sick!! Acceptance has shown me that I can't change that. Courage leads me to look for the things I can change, and faith in God gives me the wisdom to know the difference.
How simple that all seems now that I have written it down. How hard it is to hold onto. Today, I am a bundle of fear, anxiety, denial,tears, and self pity. I use that prayer by repeating it over, and over in my mind. It works, because somewhere in all that fear and tears. I find moments of peace and strength that help me to get through those minuets, and hours that sometimes seem so dark.
I have met some amazing, wise people since I have been in recovery. They told me that the best way to get out of that self pity is to help others. Because I know that working with others has helped to keep me sober, I use the same thing to get my mind off of being sick.
This weekend, I participated in the American Cancer Society Relay for Life. It is often very hard for me to understand that I actually have something to give to others. Several of my friends came out to support me and other cancer survivors. We walked miles around a track, and gave of ourselves and our time. We had a wonderful time, and actually made it through the night. What surprised me the most was that my friends thanked me for allowing them to participate and support me!! And all the time I was feeling so grateful that they cared enough to be there with me. How humbling it was to know that I had given as much as I had received, and then some.
I have suspected from the beginning that Gods plan for this journey was not only for me. I don't know where this path leads, or what the outcome will be. I only know that God makes good things happen out of adversity, and with the help of the Serenity Prayer, and the support of my family and friends, I will continue to do just.
I will be receiving 2 types of drugs, Rituxin, a Monoclonal antibody, and Bendamustine, a chemotherapy drug.
Rituxin is infused as an IV solution over several hours. It has several side effects, but I think I prefer to discuss them if and when they occur.
Bendamustine is also infused as an IV solution over 2 - 3 hours, and, as with Rituxin, I will share the side effects when and if they occur.
I will receive these drugs over 2 days, once a month. I be treated for 4 months, and if I am in remission, we will stop there. If I am not in remission, we will do 2 more treatments.
If you would like more information, I have added some new links to the Helpful Links page
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
When I was first getting sober, I leaned heavily on the Serenity Prayer to keep me sane, and get me through the next minuet, hour or day. Especially the first line "Accept the things I cannot change"
I wanted to change everything, and I really didn't trust anyone but me to do it. I was willing to try, however, so I repeated that line over and over in my head. From that simple exercise came acceptance. At least acceptance that I am an alcoholic, and acceptance that things can changeeven if it isn't me doing the changing. The courage and wisdom parts took longer to find, but I kept trying.
When I saw my oncologist last week, I was confident that we would continue on with the "Watchful Waiting" protocol. Because of my labs and symptoms, my Dr has decided that chemo is the next best step. I don't want to have chemo therapy, and the thought of it scares me. So, it's back to the first line of the Serenity Prayer. Accept the things I cannot change......
I have cancer, I can't change that. I have to fight that cancer with high powered drugs that can, and probably will, cause side effects much worse than the symptoms I have now. But, I can't change that. I have no control over how often I will have treatments, what kind of drugs are used, and whether or not they will put the cancer into remission. I can't even control how long that remission will last. If I choose to dwell on all of this, I will spend my time in anger and fear. I was reading the information the chemo nurse gave me, and was reduced to tears. Being sick scares me, what the drugs can do scares me, and I don't want to be sick and in pain. What I want or don't want is out of my control. God has the answers, and he isn't sharing right now. Until he does, acceptance and faith are all I have.
Courage to change the things I can.
When I gain the acceptance of my present circumstance, I will be able to look at things with a more open mind. When I put my faith in God to guide me, then I can find the courage to change the things I can. The Cancer Treatment Center has given me lots of information to learn all I can about the course of treatment I will have. They are there to answer my questions, and have given me options that will help manage what side effects I may have.
Wisdom to know the difference.
Wisdom is, as usual, harder to come by. Every thing in me is screaming NOOOOOOOOO....I don't want to be sick!! Acceptance has shown me that I can't change that. Courage leads me to look for the things I can change, and faith in God gives me the wisdom to know the difference.
How simple that all seems now that I have written it down. How hard it is to hold onto. Today, I am a bundle of fear, anxiety, denial,tears, and self pity. I use that prayer by repeating it over, and over in my mind. It works, because somewhere in all that fear and tears. I find moments of peace and strength that help me to get through those minuets, and hours that sometimes seem so dark.
I have met some amazing, wise people since I have been in recovery. They told me that the best way to get out of that self pity is to help others. Because I know that working with others has helped to keep me sober, I use the same thing to get my mind off of being sick.
This weekend, I participated in the American Cancer Society Relay for Life. It is often very hard for me to understand that I actually have something to give to others. Several of my friends came out to support me and other cancer survivors. We walked miles around a track, and gave of ourselves and our time. We had a wonderful time, and actually made it through the night. What surprised me the most was that my friends thanked me for allowing them to participate and support me!! And all the time I was feeling so grateful that they cared enough to be there with me. How humbling it was to know that I had given as much as I had received, and then some.
I have suspected from the beginning that Gods plan for this journey was not only for me. I don't know where this path leads, or what the outcome will be. I only know that God makes good things happen out of adversity, and with the help of the Serenity Prayer, and the support of my family and friends, I will continue to do just.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)