I was told a few days ago that I would have to start receiving Chemotherapy. I had planed to tell you all sooner, but it took me a few days to put together some coherent thoughts about how I feel about this next step in my journey. First, some information.....
I will be receiving 2 types of drugs, Rituxin, a Monoclonal antibody, and Bendamustine, a chemotherapy drug.
Rituxin is infused as an IV solution over several hours. It has several side effects, but I think I prefer to discuss them if and when they occur.
Bendamustine is also infused as an IV solution over 2 - 3 hours, and, as with Rituxin, I will share the side effects when and if they occur.
I will receive these drugs over 2 days, once a month. I be treated for 4 months, and if I am in remission, we will stop there. If I am not in remission, we will do 2 more treatments.
If you would like more information, I have added some new links to the Helpful Links page
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
When I was first getting sober, I leaned heavily on the Serenity Prayer to keep me sane, and get me through the next minuet, hour or day. Especially the first line "Accept the things I cannot change"
I wanted to change everything, and I really didn't trust anyone but me to do it. I was willing to try, however, so I repeated that line over and over in my head. From that simple exercise came acceptance. At least acceptance that I am an alcoholic, and acceptance that things can changeeven if it isn't me doing the changing. The courage and wisdom parts took longer to find, but I kept trying.
When I saw my oncologist last week, I was confident that we would continue on with the "Watchful Waiting" protocol. Because of my labs and symptoms, my Dr has decided that chemo is the next best step. I don't want to have chemo therapy, and the thought of it scares me. So, it's back to the first line of the Serenity Prayer. Accept the things I cannot change......
I have cancer, I can't change that. I have to fight that cancer with high powered drugs that can, and probably will, cause side effects much worse than the symptoms I have now. But, I can't change that. I have no control over how often I will have treatments, what kind of drugs are used, and whether or not they will put the cancer into remission. I can't even control how long that remission will last. If I choose to dwell on all of this, I will spend my time in anger and fear. I was reading the information the chemo nurse gave me, and was reduced to tears. Being sick scares me, what the drugs can do scares me, and I don't want to be sick and in pain. What I want or don't want is out of my control. God has the answers, and he isn't sharing right now. Until he does, acceptance and faith are all I have.
Courage to change the things I can.
When I gain the acceptance of my present circumstance, I will be able to look at things with a more open mind. When I put my faith in God to guide me, then I can find the courage to change the things I can. The Cancer Treatment Center has given me lots of information to learn all I can about the course of treatment I will have. They are there to answer my questions, and have given me options that will help manage what side effects I may have.
Wisdom to know the difference.
Wisdom is, as usual, harder to come by. Every thing in me is screaming NOOOOOOOOO....I don't want to be sick!! Acceptance has shown me that I can't change that. Courage leads me to look for the things I can change, and faith in God gives me the wisdom to know the difference.
How simple that all seems now that I have written it down. How hard it is to hold onto. Today, I am a bundle of fear, anxiety, denial,tears, and self pity. I use that prayer by repeating it over, and over in my mind. It works, because somewhere in all that fear and tears. I find moments of peace and strength that help me to get through those minuets, and hours that sometimes seem so dark.
I have met some amazing, wise people since I have been in recovery. They told me that the best way to get out of that self pity is to help others. Because I know that working with others has helped to keep me sober, I use the same thing to get my mind off of being sick.
This weekend, I participated in the American Cancer Society Relay for Life. It is often very hard for me to understand that I actually have something to give to others. Several of my friends came out to support me and other cancer survivors. We walked miles around a track, and gave of ourselves and our time. We had a wonderful time, and actually made it through the night. What surprised me the most was that my friends thanked me for allowing them to participate and support me!! And all the time I was feeling so grateful that they cared enough to be there with me. How humbling it was to know that I had given as much as I had received, and then some.
I have suspected from the beginning that Gods plan for this journey was not only for me. I don't know where this path leads, or what the outcome will be. I only know that God makes good things happen out of adversity, and with the help of the Serenity Prayer, and the support of my family and friends, I will continue to do just.
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