Alone in the dark

I lost a friend this week.  She took her own life.  I think she made that choice because the struggle to stay sober was so difficult, she couldn't see a way out, she lost hope.  I saw her on Friday, she came and walked with us.  She had 8 days sober.  On Sunday she drank, and on Monday she died.  I understand that kind of hopelessness, I've been there.

I was not a daily drinker, although I was headed that way.  But, I was a daily planner.  I planed obsessively. I planned every thing, my route to work, conversations, what I would wear for the whole week, where I would drink, what I would drink, how much I would drink (that part never quite worked out).  I planned meals, I tried to plan how my children would behave.  It really was kind of crazy making. When I planed, there was always a plan B.  I always had an escape route.  In those days, suicide was always an option, it was always the finale plan, my last way out. I tried to use that finale plan more than once. 

On May 10th 1998, I was alone in a hotel room in Portland, OR.  I had been married to husband number 4 for 8 months, and he had just walked out on me for another woman.  He had gone to Portland for a job, and I had sold almost everything I owned, packed up my Son,and joined him. 

There I was, trapped in a hotel I had no way to pay for, no way to get us home, and no hope.  I couldn't contact my family or any friends, because I was to ashamed that I had failed one more time.  I had a full bottle of antidepressants, some scotch, and no hope.  I had run out of plans.  As I was sitting there looking at those pills, a thought came into my head telling me I couldn't let my son find me dead.  The next thing I knew I was reaching for the phone, and called my life long friend in Klamath Falls.  What she said was very simple, "Come home, we can work it out, and we love you"  Well, through a series of happenings I still don't quite understand, we were able to buy bus tickets and get home. At that point, I was homeless, unemployed and unemployed.  That's when I started going to AlAnon.  I thought they could teach me how to find a man that wasn't a violent addict.Kinda funny when I look back on it. Well, alanon brought me enough piece to finnaly see that the problem drinker in my life was me, and I had better do something about it.  The rest is a story for another time.

The point I am trying to make is this, somewhere in this process, suicide stopped being an option.  My commitment to do what ever it took to get and stay sober, led me to 12 steps that taught me to look at myself with an open mind, how to let go of the feelings of shame of the past. I found 12 steps that led me to find a God of my own understanding , and to have faith that this new God was in charge and I didn't have to plan anymore. In these years of sobriety, I have flirted around the edges of that dark place of hopelessness, but I have never let it swallow me.  I have choices, and I know that the right choice is to trust my God, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.I am never alone in the dark.

I don't know why my friend couldn't "get it". I don't know why she let hopelessness take over, but I do understand how she got there.

The number one priority in my life is still staying sober.  Some people may be surprised by that and think it should be fighting cancer.  The truth is, if I don't stay sober, I can't fight cancer.  It says in the big book, in one of the stories in the back, that as long as I put sobriety first in my life, everything that comes second will be first class. I believe that today. I hang onto that because if I start drinking, suicide, once more, becomes an option.

And now it begins

I was told a few days ago that I would have to start receiving Chemotherapy.  I had planed to tell you all sooner, but it took me a few days to put together some coherent thoughts about how I feel about this next step in my journey.  First, some information.....

I will be receiving 2 types of drugs, Rituxin, a Monoclonal antibody, and Bendamustine, a chemotherapy drug. 

Rituxin is infused as an IV solution over several hours.  It has several side effects, but I think I prefer to discuss them if and when they occur.

Bendamustine is also infused as an IV solution over 2 - 3 hours, and, as with Rituxin, I will share the side effects when and if they occur.
I will receive these drugs over 2 days, once a month.  I be treated for 4 months, and if I am in remission, we will stop there.  If I am not in remission, we will do 2 more treatments.
If you would like more information, I have added some new links to the Helpful Links page

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

When I was first getting sober, I leaned heavily on the Serenity Prayer to keep me sane, and get me through the next minuet, hour or day.  Especially the first line "Accept the things I cannot change"
I wanted to change everything, and I really didn't trust anyone but me to do it.  I was willing to try, however, so I repeated that line over and over in my head. From that simple exercise came acceptance.  At least acceptance that I am an alcoholic, and acceptance that things can changeeven if it isn't me doing the changing.  The courage and wisdom parts took longer to find, but I kept trying.

When I saw my oncologist last week, I was confident that we would continue on with the "Watchful Waiting" protocol.  Because of my labs and symptoms, my Dr has decided that chemo is the next best step.  I don't want to have chemo therapy, and the thought of it scares me.  So, it's back to the first line of the Serenity Prayer.  Accept the things I cannot change......
I have cancer, I can't change that.  I have to fight that cancer with high powered drugs that can, and probably will, cause side effects much worse than the symptoms I have now. But, I can't change that.  I have no control over how often I will have treatments, what kind of drugs are used, and whether or not they will put the cancer into remission.  I can't even control how long that remission will last. If I choose to dwell on all of this, I will spend my time in anger and fear.  I was reading the information the chemo nurse gave me, and was reduced to  tears.  Being sick scares me, what the drugs can do scares me, and I don't want to be sick and in pain. What I want or don't want is out of my control.  God has the answers, and he isn't sharing right now.  Until he does, acceptance and faith are all I have.

Courage to change the things I can. 
When I gain the acceptance of my present circumstance, I will be able to look at things with a more open mind.  When I put my faith in God to guide me, then I can find the courage to change the things I can.  The Cancer Treatment Center has given me lots of information to learn all I can about the course of treatment I will have.  They are there to answer my questions, and have given me options that will help manage what side effects I may have.  

Wisdom to know the difference.
Wisdom is, as usual, harder to come by.  Every thing in me is screaming NOOOOOOOOO....I don't want to be sick!!  Acceptance has shown me that I can't change that.  Courage leads me to look for the things I can change, and faith in God gives me the wisdom to know the difference.

How simple that all seems now that I have written it down.  How hard it is to hold onto.  Today, I am a bundle of fear, anxiety, denial,tears, and self pity.  I use that prayer by repeating it over, and over in my mind. It works, because somewhere in all that fear and tears. I find moments of peace and strength that help me to get through those minuets, and hours that sometimes seem so dark.

I have met some amazing, wise people since I have been in recovery.  They told me that the best way to get out of that self pity is to help others.  Because I know that working with others has helped to keep me sober, I use the same thing to get my mind off of being sick.

This weekend, I participated in the American Cancer Society Relay for Life.  It is often very hard for me to understand that I actually have something to give to others.  Several of my friends came out to support me and other cancer survivors. We walked miles around a track, and gave of ourselves and our time.  We had a wonderful time, and actually made it through the night.  What surprised me the most was that my friends thanked me for allowing them to participate and support me!!  And all the time I was feeling so grateful that they cared enough to be there with me.  How humbling it was to know that I had given as much as I had received, and then some.

I have suspected from the beginning that Gods plan for this journey was not only for me.  I don't know where this path leads, or what the outcome will be.  I only know that God makes good things happen out of adversity, and with the help of the Serenity Prayer, and the support of my family and friends, I will continue to do just.

A step in the right direction.

It has been awhile since I have been here to talk to all of you.  When I started this blog, I promised to share all of the ups and downs about my life as an alcoholic woman with cancer.  I have not kept that promise very well, and for that, I apologize.  However, all has not been wasted.  I have learned more about myself, and I want to share that with you.

Before I started this recovery process, I spent every moment of my life trying to control all the people, places and things in my life.  Alcohol was a big part of that.  If I could control my life, especially how people saw me, then I didn't have to admit I was to weak to quit drinking. I didn't have to admit that I  really did have a drinking problem.  When I first started Alanon meetings 13 years ago, I was terrified that people would find out who I really was, and hate me as much as I hated myself.  Gradually, that all started to change.  

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and our lives had become unmanageable."  Step one.  Powerlessness, surrender.  Not so easy to do.  Not when you so desperately want people to see you as something else.  Anything else. As I watched, and listened, I began to see that I wasn't a terrible, weak person, I was a woman with a disease, and I didn't have to live the way I had been if I didn't want to. Through the process of working the steps, I learned that I didn't have to try so hard to be someone I was not.  I could just be myself, and trust in a power greater than myself to take care of the rest.  I started learning about myself.  Everything about myself.  I found things I liked about me, and things I didn't like about  me.  I also learned that the things I didn't like could be changed just by asking God to remove those things.  Over time, I have become more like that person I have always wanted to be. 

This last few weeks, I discovered that I wasn't being true to those things that had become so important to me.  Honesty, integrity, trust in myself, and in God.  I didn't want to share those hard days. The days when I felt so sick, and so tired.  when I just didn't want to be sick anymore.  Days when I was angry, and afraid.  I had gone right back to that need to control how people see me.  I didn't want to write when I was so down.  I didn't want people to see me as sick, and weak.  The truth is, I have what I have come to call "Cancer days".  Days when all of my symptoms seem to gang up on me at once and I feel miserable.  I have night sweats that can keep me awake, and I lose my appetite, and can't keep any food down anyway.  I feel so tired, I just want to cry.  And I do cry, because those days bring with them the fear of my own mortality.   They bring anger that my life has changed, and I didn't even give my permission for it to change.  And on those days, I curl up, and don't want to talk to anyone.  I don't want them to see me sick and weak.  I only want you to see me strong.

Today, I understand and accept that I am human.  I have strengths, and weaknesses, and sometimes they are the same thing.  I like who I am, warts and all, and you either love me as I am, or not.  The most important thing is that I have a God that brings me the strength I need even when I am scared, or hiding, or sick, or happy, or sad.  Today, I pray for honesty, and the courage to be who I am on any given day and I pray for the willingness to share even that side of myself, and my disease.

We admitted we were powerless over cancer, and our lives had become unmanageable. My life with cancer is unmanageable by me.  But thanks to what I have learned in Alanon and AA, I know that my life isn't unmanageable by God.  Sometimes I forget that, but God never does.  He is there waiting for me when I am ready to reach out again and take his hand.    Thanks for sticking by me, and I promise, I won't stay away so long.

Don't miss what God sends your way

Something has happened to the way I view my world since I found out I have cancer.  After vacillating wildly from anger to denial to self pity, and back again, I settled into an uncertain acceptance.  I began to share my feelings and thoughts with friends and family, and at meetings.  I also became more aware of the world around me.  I started seeing the wonders in my corner of the world.  Shortly after I was diagnosed, I was driving home from work.  The sun was setting behind me and a full moon was rising in front of me.  As I rounded a curve in the road, there was the moon, huge, silver, and so close I could have touched it.  As I looked at it, a flock of geese flew across the moon in a perfect V formation. Their black shadows a dark contrast to the white-silver  glow of the moon. They never wavered, they flew straight on to a destination known only to them, imprinted down through generations of migration.   It was so beautiful, I cried in gratitude rather than  self pity or fear.  That was the beginning.  When I was waiting to see the surgeon and schedule the surgery to remove two large lymph nodes from under my right arm, my head was going crazy with the "what if" game.  There was a possibility that I also had either breast cancer of lymphoma. I was scared, confused, and really struggling to be patient. During my worst week, a song came on the radio called "I am Strong".  It played every evening on my drive home for a week. It has become my anthem.  My God sings to me, and he was telling me to be strong, put my hand in his, and it will all be OK.

Today, I find myself sitting more  often in serenity than confusion.  I have accepted that I have cancer, and that I don't know how this journey is going to turn out.  It isn't my job to know.  It is my job to stay tuned to God, trust him with the outcome, and keep my hand in his. My thoughts now turn more often to what I can do for others, than my own self centered anger and fear.

I struggle sometimes with feelings of unworthiness.  I haven't begun treatment yet, and even though I don't feel well most days, I could probably be allot sicker than I am.  So, who am I to talk about living with cancer when there are so many people sicker than I am.  Then I remember that God has a plan for me, and that plan doesn't only involve me.  So I will follow where he leads, continue to work with other alcoholics, and try to remember every day that it is God who makes me strong.  For that gift, I get to see the beauty in my world, and I get to know that nothing is really hopeless, you just have to know what you are hoping for.

Who I am and other random thoughts

Hi, my name is Cary and I'm an alcoholic.  I've been saying those words almost every day for the past nine years.  They have been said with anger, gratitude, fear, humor, and sometimes arrogance. Those simple words remind me that I live every day with a chronic, progressive, and fatal disease called alcoholism.  Over the days, weeks, months and years of my recovery, I have learned more about who I am.  I have learned to face life with honesty, and integrity, and I have discovered what it means to truly give of myself to my fellow man.  I have come to know a deep and abiding faith, trust and love in a power greater than myself. I have found the God within me.  Today, I am able, at least most of the time, to deal with life and situations that used to send me running for the bottle.  Every life lesson I have learned has built upon the last to give me an arsenal of tools to live by,to face life as it comes, in short,to be human.  These are all very good things, because three months ago I found out I have another chronic, progressive and fatal disease.  CANCER  To be specific,Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia.  When I heard those words "you have cancer", my life was turned upside down, and it will never be the same.  

There is a grief process that we all go through when we have experienced the loss of a loved one, a limb, or a way of life. I have lost life as I know it, that sense of immortality that we all hold onto somewhere deep inside ourselves.  You know, that belief that makes you think "that will never happen to me".  But then, it does happen to you. At first, you move around in a fog.  You aren't quite sure what has just happened to you.  After awhile, the fog starts to lift, and all those feelings well up inside you.  They fill every part of you, and spin and whirl so fast you don't know what to feel first. I became scared, and angry, sad, and unbelieving.  I would cry at the drop of a hat, and then be so angry at how unfair this all was.  Sometimes I would think that any minute some one was going to call and say how sorry they were, someone had read the test wrong, the lab had mixed your blood with someone else, anything to make it not true. but it is true, and gradually, I learned to accept that I have cancer, and I have got to learn to live with it.  

That isn't easy.  Every Dr visit and every test brings more questions than answers. I started doing my own research on the web.  I learned that there is allot of information out there about my kind of cancer.  It affects every one differently.  It is mostly found in people in their late 60's or early 70's.  It is not curable, but can be put into remission.  I am actually kind of young to have it, and that has my Dr scratching his head.  What I do know about it is that it can be indolent, or progressive, or aggressive.  So, we wait, and we watch, and we be patient.  There is only one problem with that, I'm an alcoholic, and patience is not one of my best things.  

My greatest challenge today, in this moment, is to stay sober, stay positive, do what I can to get as healthy as I can, and always remember I am not in this alone.  I have told my friends and family that I have cancer.  The hardest thing about that was telling my Mom. Most people don't know what to say when you tell them.  They say things like, "well, that's not a bad kind of cancer" or "Aunt Sadie had that and lived for years". The truth is, when you are the one with cancer, there really is no good kind of cancer.  Another thing that is hard to face is that people treat you differently.  My whole life has changed and will never be the same, I need the people who love me to treat me the same as they always did.  I am still a Daughter, and a Sister, and a Mom and an Aunt and a Grandma and a friend.  The only difference is that I am now all those things with cancer.  

So I have decided to write this blog not only for me, but for whoever else wants to come with me as I learn to stay sober and live with cancer.  It isn't easy, and it might not always be pretty, but I hope it will be real, sometimes amusing and informative, and always honest. I doubt I will make it back here every day, but I will try to share my life regularly. From time to time I will add links to information about cancer, and it's treatment.  Places to find support and help weather you are a patient, a family member or a caregiver.  Together, we will grow, and learn, and laugh, and cry. It will be a journey of love and hope.  Thanks for coming with me.